Here's to Being Black, Bold, and Broke

This post will be a bit more vulnerable and for those past, present, (and inevitably) future heart broken souls. I write this now being almost 3 months out of a 5 year relationship and have been experiencing the ups and downs of what it means to be heartbroken.

Now heartbreak looks different for everyone, and I imagine no one will relate to everything I’m experiencing but maybe something, some part, will resonate with you. 

As the great Carrie Bradshaw once said “If you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?”

In the beginning, I tried to move on. Not give a fuck and think “there’s plenty of fish in the sea,” but the problem that rose for me was yes there’s other fish but they aren’t like the one I once had.

I was with my ex for 5 five years and in that time he truly became my best friend in every sense of the word. I told everything to him, I grew up with him from 16 to 22, we almost died together twice, and shared so many tears together (from laughter to sadness to frustration). We matured together, saw the world together, and we saw our lives together, I mean I was mentally prepared to be with him forever. To be his wife and have a family with him at some point.

I thank him for showing me what love is and how to love because in that I was able to really love myself and every aspect of myself. And even my flaws I wanted to fix in order to be better for myself first, him and us. I still made mistakes along the way because we’re human and do that. And truth be told, I’ll continue to make mistakes because I’m human and I do that, but I will forever be grateful for the relationship we did have.

Over these last couple of months I’ve been astounded at how many tears I’ve shed because I don’t recall the last time I cried this much aside from losing my Grammie. But in a way it makes sense because I’m experiencing grief, and in a weird way where he’s not dead so I could reach out but I know it’s for the best that I don’t. In heartbreak you mourn the relationship you once had, the dreams and future life you envisioned with the person, and all the love you both shared. 

I find myself feeling okay some days, fantastic others, and unable to leave my bed and eat a proper meal mixed somewhere in between. I cry for hours or sometimes just five minutes when I think of the memories. I get lonely and want to reach out. I even question sometimes if I’ll ever find love again. I wake up and miss him, and go to sleep missing him.

And through all this I have to remember that heartbreak isn’t a straight line, it ebbs and flows with its ups and downs, and some days I’ll feel great not even thinking of him, and others where I literally don’t know what else to think of but him. 

But there’s been a few things that have helped and I’m no expert on heartbreak because this is my first one, but the love that I miss from him, the love that I wish I could still give to him, I pour into myself. I feel my emotions because I’m no robot – I cry if I need to, I get sad, I reminisce, but then I force myself to do something for myself whether that be write, read, go for a walk, call a friend, hell even online shop daydreaming about the things I wish I could buy. But I really try not to rot in those feelings. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him or there isn’t a small part of me that hopes we get back together, finding that home in each other we once had, and thankfully my friends remind me all the time this is normal. But I know that this is the time to learn, focus, and love me, and I’m really trying to take the time to do that especially since I’m on this adventure here in France. I also know I still have the journey of processing this heartbreak ahead of me so I give myself the space to be sad, to cry, and to miss him.

I do though get excited about taking the time to invent and invest in myself even through the sadness and loneliness, and often use that as motivation, as my carrot on the stick. I also know I’m 22 and this is the first of many (but Lord not too many because I’m simply just a girl and my little heart can only take so much).

This breakup in a lot of ways has been a huge learning lesson for me and I’ve used this time as reflection on where and how I went wrong in our relationship so that in the future I can try my best to not make the same mistakes. And in reflecting on the things I could have done better I also give myself the benefit of the doubt knowing I tried my best, I loved hard, and even through certain circumstances I still tried my best.

So to answer Miss Bradshaw’s question, I believe the love remains at least for me, it has and will but it transforms, divides up, and will change me for the better. So you don’t give up on yourself, you continue, you give yourself grace as you heal, and love yourself above everything else.